|Stalkerdom! 7 Easy steps to find out where they live!
||[Aug. 17th, 2007|10:22 am]
Note: This is a joke. Please do not take this seriously and use the techniques described. I am just making fun of the information age and 12 year old fangirls. Please don't sue me.|
So here you are. Maybe you're a 12-year-old fangirl. Maybe you're a 40-year-old freak. Either way, here are seven steps to fast forward your quest of stalkerdom.
1. Determine what kind of stalker you are. Are you a fangirl with no real intention of finding these people? Is this person a celebraty (Pornstars don't count)? If the awnser to any of these is "no", then quit now. It's not worth it. Celebraty's have a huge amount of security surrounding them, and chances are the info isn't posted on the internet. So, if you're not serious about finding this person, or they're rich and famous, just drop it and go back to masterbating to a photograph. 'kay?
After you've established that you are, indeed, serious, you need to set some goals for yourself. Do you want to send this person flowers? Show up in their bed when they get home from work? Watch from afar? Great! But how do you get there?
Idealy, you would get their full name, phone number, and a map to their house in under half an hour. This is what I like to call the "silver package"*. If you can do it in fifteen minutes, fantastic! All you need is the internet and a few pieces of information.
2. Go with what you know. Figure out what you already know about this person and compile it into one long list. This way, you can get rid of the other, smaller lists you have for when the police stop by. Trust me, it's a lot easier to get rid of one piece of paper in a hurry then to run around and get them all. This also lets you figure out what more you need to know. Divide the information up into an even smaller list. This should be stuff you really need on your quest. For example, if I'm stalking Bob Jones, and his favorite color is pink, I don't need to put this on the list because a) I already know in my heart of hearts that he really loves "rose blush" and b) It's kind of useless until I've found him. If you really want to keep documentation of such things, I'd suggest a binder.**
So, you have your list. This should include their name, phone number, various screennames and anything else you can get your hands on. Now we go on to...
3. Begin! Ah, the magic of Google. The first thing you do is type in your victim's name. Now, carefully go through the results and collect all the information you can. While doing this, ask yourself....
Is this stuff I already know? If a webpage contains tons of information, but it's all stuff you've already discovered, quickly skim through and move on. These small-fry aren't anywhere near your level. But just in case they know something you don't, take a quick look. Keep your eyes peeled for screennames. AIM, MSN, Myspace, whatever. Chances are, if they use that screenname for one thing, they use it for multiple things.
Is this useful? What list does it go in? Binder or real information? It's your call. Bear in mind that, in the next steps, you'll get some REAL information, so this is more of a warm up.
3. Put it to good use! Did you find any screennames? If the awnser is no, skip to the next question or keep looking. If yes, read on!
There's a pretty good chance that your beloved uses the same screenname(s) for everything. Put this to good use! Example: If BobJone's screenname for Myspace is PrettyPonyBoy, then I might try this in Aim, Msn, Livejournal, Blogspot, etc. You never know what you'll find in the personal, "secret" online journals.
If you don't know their screenname, fear not! Google their name again, but this time, click the "Search within results" button at the bottom. Try adding "Myspace" or "Livejournal" to the results list, see what comes up! Or, if this doesn't work and you're desperate, go through your binder and see if it's just painfully obvious. Maybe Bob's sn is "blushingrose", "ponybob", or even "Bobjones"! When you get really desperate, just try a combination of their first and last name.
4. White pages! Look 'em up! This takes all of 5 minutes to do, and you'll find great stuff! Pump in "Bob Jones" and v=bask in the glory that is the next level of stalkerdom! You! Have! Their! Phone number!!one!
5. Decide. Should you call them? No. Yes. Yes. No. No. No. Yes. No. Yes. NO! Maybe.... This should take a week. One hour, if you're really gifted.
6. Back to step 4! Now that you have their phone number, and have either decided to call or not to call, you can step it up. Go back to Whitepages.com and use the "reverse phone" tool. Are you as excited as I am? 'Cause I'm pretty excited. You know why? 'Cause...
7. YOU WIN! You now have their Full name, phone number, address, and a binder full of information! You can send them flowers! You can show up at their house! It's just that easy! You can stretch this out over a month or an hour, depending on how dramatic you are. So go ahead, crack open that old yearbook. Get the name of that cutie at McDonalds. Do whatever the hell you want! Just don't mention my name when they ask you how you found them. ;)
* Gold is achieved when you find their work/school schedule, old clothing, and an apartment/motel room where you can watch them 24/7.
**Thanks to OCD managers, your local office supply store should have all the binder excessories you need to stash and organize photographs, printouts of webpages, and personal notes in a clean and asthetically pleasing manner!